


life is a scam (and you don't get refunds)

by marshmalon



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Mind Games, Secret Identity, and Near as the weird uncle/big bro, featuring Minoru as some memey gen z shitposter, implied depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:48:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22609558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marshmalon/pseuds/marshmalon
Summary: Ryuk wants to stay on Earth. Near wants to know A-Kira's identity. It's a simple exchange of services: Ryuk tells Near who A-Kira is, and Near has to somehow convince the kid not to withdraw a billion fucking yen if he wants to keep him alive.It's stressful for everyone involved, but Minoru's obviously got the short end of the stick - after all, stuff keeps popping up and ruining his free time.
Relationships: Near | Nate River & Tanaka Minoru
Comments: 16
Kudos: 135





	life is a scam (and you don't get refunds)

There's some weirdo sitting in his spot.

_Jerk_ , Minoru thinks, which might be unfair but he doesn't stop thinking it. No one can really call a swing in some abandoned park as _their spot_ , but Minoru's been sitting in it since fifth grade, and that has to count for something.

It doesn't. Minoru's been waiting around the park's entrance for half a minute now. Whoever's in his seat doesn't look like they're about to leave anytime soon, and Minoru tries not to feel like shit about it. It's hard when that's all the failed test papers in his bag tell him.

He waits another ten seconds and considers it hopeless. He'll just stay somewhere else - not that he's got much time left to stay anywhere, considering school starts in thirty minutes and Minoru still hasn't done any homework- when the weirdo in his spot looks up and straight at him.

Minoru freezes.

The stranger's hair is wild, and long, and Minoru's not sure if it's dyed, but it looks pretty cool. He's not quite as admiring of the over-bleached pajamas though, and it's so distractingly awkward that he doesn't immediately register the other's face. All Minoru can even make out are two beady eyes that look just as lifeless as the rest of him.

_Cosplayer_ , Minoru thinks, because if he's not then Minoru'll feel really bad for him.

For the first time, the stranger moves, patting the swing next to him like he wants Minoru to sit. Minoru's not sure if he wants to. Nevertheless, the invitation's been offered, and he doesn't really want to try finding some other place that isn't crowded with people. The park's the quietest place he knows, and he really needs some quiet if he wants to figure out how to answer his homework.

Minoru walks toward him. On closer inspection, the guy doesn't look threatening. He's pretty scrawny, and his clothes' fabric is so thin it's hard to hide any weapons - the only thing Minoru can really pinpoint is that he looks vaguely European, so maybe the reason he looks so weird is just since he's some anime-obsessed tourist. 

In short, he doesn't look dangerous, so Minoru plops down next to him. He hopes he doesn't have to make smalltalk.

"Hello," says the stranger, in perfect English.

Well, fuck.

Minoru can't quite remember how to say _I can't speak English_ in English - probably because it's the most counterintuitive phrase to have graced his English textbook - so he doesn't say anything at all. Silence should be a big enough hint.

It's not, because the stranger says more gibberish. Minoru offers him a smile.

"Your clothes look kinda shitty," Minoru says, entirely in Japanese.

That's better. He doesn't often get to talk to tourists, and he's forgotten how fun it is. Fun, of course, in the sense that he gets a chance to say whatever the hell he wants and get away with it. It feels exhilarating, and drives Minoru to give even less of a fuck about English class.

The stranger stares at him, unblinking. Somehow, Minoru feels a little guilty. "Cool hair dye though."

The stranger looks him dead in the eye. "It's not dyed." 

_That's Japanese,_ Minoru thinks. Then, _Fuck._

"Fuck," Minoru blurts, which is the only real English word he knows.

"Fuck?" the stranger asks blankly. Minoru's not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

"Sorry, _sorry_ , oh my god - " Abort, abort - Minoru fishes out his homework and hunches in on himself, trying not to show off his uniform in case the stranger actually lives here and somehow knows his school too. It's unlikely, because Minoru's pretty sure he's _never_ seen this guy before, but better safe than sorry. "I didn't - uh, I _wasn't_ thinking - "

"So you can't speak English."

It's so out of left field that for a second, Minoru's blindsided. It doesn't last long.

"And _you_ speak Japanese," Minoru retorts, because he can state the obvious with the best of them. "I didn't even think you _were_ Japanese - wait, are you?"

"I don't know," the stranger hums. Content, like there's nothing in the world just a little weird about that.

"You don't know," Minoru repeats.

Faintly, Minoru wonders if he's being filmed. A little less faintly, he thinks, _I could make so much fucking cash on Youtube_ , and he feels a little better. Not that he really needs cash, though. He doesn't, not with the billion he got from Kira being a sell-out, but it's still a pretty cool way to earn money, and half of all of Minoru's ideas hinge on being cool and earning money.

He scans the area for hidden cameras. He doesn't find any, and comes to the startling conclusion that maybe the person in front of him isn't making shit up. "You don't _know_ if you're Japanese?"

"No. I never met my parents," the stranger says, and before Minoru can even process _that_ bombshell, "I'm an orphan."

Oh.

"Oh," Minoru manages, after a long while. He feels like he should be patting the guy on the back or something, maybe while offering a _sorry for your loss_ or two. He doesn't.

"That sucks," he says instead. Then, eager to change the topic, "So, about the stuff you said in English - "

"I asked about Yotsuba," the stranger says, "You have an account there, right? Tanaka Minoru."

Minoru's blood runs cold.

"I don't - I don't know what you're talking about," flies out of Minoru's mouth faster than he can think - a robber? a kidnapper? a _gang_ member? - and his fingers reach for his phone to call the cops. He's heard the stories, of course, the ones about people walking out of Yotsuba just to get mugged by thugs looking for a quick buck. He's even seen some of them show up on the news.

Minoru tries not to throw up, tries to twist his lips into something like a smile.

"Dude, I _wish_ I'd gotten an account there," Minoru stalls, planting a foot firmly on the ground. He needs to be ready to run. "But the money'd been all given out by the time I got there, so - "

The stranger reaches into his pocket.

 _Oh fuck a gun!_ Minoru thinks, half-hysterically, then, _Wait, no, guns're way too hard to get in Japan -_

"I'm an FBI agent," says the stranger, and he waves the badge from his pocket for good measure.

Minoru's eyes go from his face to the badge. He blinks. Tries not to let out the rawest _fuck_ he's ever screamed in his life.

Blankly, Minoru takes the badge offered and squints down at the words. Then he grimaces.

" _Still_ can't read English."

"Then don't," says the stranger, "Call up the police station and ask about the badge number - you should be able to read that, if nothing else."

It's said so flatly that Minoru isn't even offended. Maybe that's why he follows the stranger's instructions, but maybe it's mostly just because this could be an actual FBI agent.

The call's a short one. He asks about the number, gets a response that _yes, this FBI agent is working with local police, and his name's Asahi Hikaru_ , then the call's over, and Minoru's left feeling even more lost than when he started.

The stranger - the FBI agent, fuck, _Asahi Hikaru?_ \- just stares at him like he hasn't almost scared Minoru to death. That's fine. Minoru's fine, and the stranger waits.

"Asahi Hikaru?" Minoru says, when he finally finds his words. "I thought you said you weren't Japanese."

It's a small issue. Minoru decides to deal with it first because _holy shit why is an FBI agent following me_ is a little too heavy for a first question.

"It's not my birth name," he says, "But I've lived here long enough that a Japanese name is useful. Easier to pronounce, I find."

Asahi Hikaru - _Light Light_. Minoru thinks it sounds like some fake-deep inspirational shit straight out of Google Translate, but antagonism probably isn't the best idea.

Minoru shrugs. "It's, y'know. Nice. Really meaningful."

"Is it?" the man says, actually sounding surprised, "I chose it as a joke. But that's not the issue." He gives Minoru a look. "You might want to collect yourself first."

Something in Minoru snaps.

"Collect myself?" Minoru scoffs, "Collect _myself_ \- dude, what you just did was straight out of a Stranger Danger PSA! Oh my God, you almost gave me a heart attack - "

The agent flinches. It's a surprisingly open gesture on someone previously so emotionless, and Minoru's starting to think that it's got less to do with emotionlessness and more with just being really bad at showing it.

 _Shit_ , Minoru suddenly thinks, _heart attacks_ \- this guy's a police officer, maybe he's even seen Kira's effect on the world first-hand - and Minoru's just mentioned heart attacks. Fuck.

"I didn't - I'm, I'm _sorry_ ," Minoru splutters. "You just - you freaked me out, alright? But I'm ready to listen now." He pauses. "Officer."

"Okay," says the agent, twirling a lock of hair in his hands, "Don't withdraw from Yotsuba."

"I - what?"

The agent tilts his head. "You must've heard about the muggings. Most of them were planned."

"The Yotsuba ones?" Minoru says, pitch rising, "Wait - wait, do you mean I'm being targeted? Because of my account?"

The agent nods.

 _What the fuck_ , Minoru thinks. Then he thinks it again, and again, until it's looping nicely all around his head. Everything else feels numb.

"So - so what? You came here to _my spot_ ," Minoru doesn't care how stupid it sounds right now, not when his eyes feel like they're burning, "Just to tell me I can't take the money without risking my life?"

"Essentially."

"But - but you're a policeman," Minoru reasons, "Hell, you're an _FBI agent_ ,can't you put a stop to it? Protect me?"

"You're not the only one being targeted, and there are more account holders than there are available agents. Proper protection might not be feasible." He glances to the side. "And naturally, we'd have to catch the criminals first to stop them."

Minoru nods along. He's not sure what else to do at this point.

Maybe he's going into shock. Hell, maybe he's about to _self-combust_ ,because the thought of losing all that money just because of some life-threatening jackasses -

"Wait," Minoru says, "Who exactly's targeting me?"

The agent looks up. "Hm?"

"I've seen the news reports," Minoru goes on, "But those were all one-time crimes, right? What, were they all connected by - I don't know, a gang or something?"

"Most of the crimes weren't," the agent says, "Some of the crimes - well." Minoru thinks he can see the agent's eyes flash with something resembling life. "We think they're Kira-related."

Minoru frowns. "Kira supporters? Or - what, a hate group?"

"Both," says the agent, "People who think the money should have gone to them instead, whether it be due to worshipping Kira or mere self-interest."

Minoru feels his head aching. "Like - like a Kira gang? A Kira _mafia_?"

"Maybe. But we don't know who else is involved with it yet." The agent's gaze is almost meaningfully blank. "Perhaps your life won't be in as much danger once we know who's behind it."

Minoru hums. His head's still aching, but it's for a different reason this time. "Are you _supposed_ to say that much info to a civilian?"

The agent's lips curl. "Just standard procedure."

Minoru takes a breath. Takes a look at the clouds. School starts in fifteen minutes and it's an hour-long walk, but there's probably time for one last question. "How long'll you be - uh, tailing me? Guarding me?"

"It depends. Until I'm assigned to someone else, I suppose."

"Cool," says Minoru, and he zips up his bag. His homework's still lying unfinished somewhere inside, but that's okay. Everything's okay.

"Well. It was nice... meeting you, I guess." He stands, gives the agent one last look. "Asahi-san."

The agent makes a sound between a snort and a huff. "Near."

"What?"

"Near," he says, "It's a nickname, of sorts. Call me that instead."

"Near," Minoru says. It feels weird without the honorific, but everything about this guy's weird, so it kinda fits. "Uh. See you around, then?"

Near doesn't respond, but that's okay. Minoru's already sprinting out the park, because he'll be damned before he gets a late slip for the _third_ time.

x

Near hears the laugh before he even feels the shinigami's presence.

"Was all that stuff true?" says Ryuk, as soon as Minoru's gone. Near can't tell how long he's been watching. "The stuff about the Kira gang?"

He's hovering above Near now, blocking out the sunlight. Irritation pools in Near's gut, and once again he thinks that he should have brought Rester. He would have, if the creature hadn't insisted he go alone for the first meeting.

"Yes," Near says, and he tries not to sound too annoyed, "It's not dangerous enough for me to take it on as a case, but it's real."

"Heh, so it's like a little testing ground for Minoru then, huh?"

Near nods, but he's not interested in the semantics. He knows all about that by now. "Did his lifespan change?"

"Hah! If it was that easy, I wouldn't've asked you, you know?" Ryuk floats upward. "I woulda just gotten some guy from the old task force to do it."

"So he'll still take the money?"

"Well - maybe? I can't actually see his new lifespan, but I _can_ guess at it," says Ryuk, eyes glinting, "His lifespan looked pretty decent for a human, but his _death_? Heh, feels right around the corner."

Near looks at him, carefully. "There are many nuances to human lifespans, I take it."

"Oh, a _ton_ ," Ryuk exclaims, "Especially if they've come into contact with a Death Note. Even _I_ don't get it, most of the time - but the Shinigami King, well, he really wanted me to keep an eye on Minoru, so..."

"So you asked for my help." Near feels his lip twitch at the memory. "Yes. I remember."

"Oh, come on, don't act so cold. I showed you your - what did you call it again? A-Kira? - so _you_ help me out, just a bit. The King won't mind if I stay on Earth as long as my target's alive, y'know."

"And yet you refuse to give him his memories back."

"Hey, he asked me not to! I'm doing the kid a favor. Besides - " Ryuk smiles, showing off pointed teeth. "It's more interesting, this way."

Near hums. He knows how it feels, boredom. Near has cases back home, after all, but he's dropped everything and flown back to Japan just to meet the person who's eluded his capture.

He just wants to meet A-Kira. He's not sure how long he can keep him alive, or if the time's even worth it, at this point. The shinigami has given him an impossible task, and Near wouldn't have agreed if he wasn't just the slightest bit interested too.

"You," Near says, "are a very cruel shinigami."

Ryuk just laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> back at it with an overly specific au just so near and minoru can meet + near can actually interact with ryuk


End file.
